GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest