Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.