Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
This is I, Robot all over again