I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*