Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*