At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time