#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
why am I working on Labor Day
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day