McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.