Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
tell em, edith-anne
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.