YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods