There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?