I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.