Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
do horses think humans are hats
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.