All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.