Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Gods work.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.