I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.