*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.