“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
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Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.