If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
i think my razor is having a panic attack
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.