*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Terribly Tuesday.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again