DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The point of your 20s
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?