[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Not all heroes wear capes…
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad