ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away