My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.