No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.