Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
March 16
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched