Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
no their not
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
SF is the wild wild west man
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.