“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Simple
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Science memes
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me when my alarm goes off
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.