ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Growing up was a huge mistake
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken