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A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running