I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
You are not alone 💚
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.