I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.