I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
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😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Got ya covered
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?