These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.