Food gives you energy to nap more.
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The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Stop.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.