Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
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vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The Punning Dead.
What the hell happened in there??
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Them: Just act casual
Me: