People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool