Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.