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Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face