GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad