MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
That’s incredible! 👌
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.