The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT