I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Breaking news:
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.