If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
British websites use biscuits.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.