Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed