The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
You Might Also Like
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Wednesday
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.