“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
this is literally a CIA plant
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.