I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
This is amazing.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.