We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice