ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
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I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.